So with the season-from-hell well and truly behind us and the boredom of bugger all to do on Saturday’s setting in, we thought we’d look back at the season that was with a quick review. As you’ll see, one of us has far more time on their hands than the others. CM.
Fred:
Honest lad in the trenches player of the season
Smeets was an honest lad. He “did a job” when available. But in all fairness, I couldn’t possibly give a player of the season. A for Effort for all 58 of them.
Dud of the season
Where do I start! I will have to say, Tim Sandercombe, the keeper who we bought in the summer. On his debut, he had very little to do, until in the second half, he stupidly gave away a pen, and we lost 1-0. More poor performances and defeats followed and was thankfully released, allowing fans favourite AWH to cement his place as Dorchies’ no.1
Funniest Moment of the season
Eastbourne away, where a couple of their fans had a go at us for a polystyrene chip tray on the floor. They wouldn’t stop going on about the “incident” for about 15 minutes.
Worst moment of the season
Conceding the last minute winner at Basingstoke. Pretty much didn’t say a word for 30 minutes afterwards and a moment we all knew, we were pretty much down, removing all false hope.
The Danny Ings award for most tedious joke of the season
“I blame the trust” – to be fair was funny for a while but starting to wear thin.
Best landlord of the season
No idea. Don’t remember meeting any. If we’re talking pubs. Sussex is always a pleasure, be it Lewes, Brighton, Eastbou… actually, just Brighton and Lewes.
Best fans
Us. Notable mentions to Sutton and Dover fans who were very hospitable in their respective towns after our games.
Worst fans
Eastleigh being the obvious choice. Tinpot to the bone. Bromley were also disappointing considering they were top of the league at the time and beat us 4-1, they really were quiet.
Best away trip of the season
Maidenhead had everything. Big away following, constant singing. Pyro’s. Pitch invasions and a 3-1 win. Eastbourne and Tonbridge were crackers as well. Funnily enough we won those games too. Ironic considering the footy was certainly not what made the season enjoyable for us exiles.
The Steve Hill Award for best drunken moment of the season
Myself at Eastbourne away, or technically Lewes as we were at that point. Failing that, the boy Stevie at Weston. A big shout goes to Tom Berry, who was effectively christened into the DTFC drinking culture that day. Good sport, lad!
The most baffling moment of the season
The defeats to both Staines and Concord during the opening months. Staines was a game we totally dominated from start to finish and created numerous chances which we couldn’t convert. Then a Sandercombe blunder gave away a penalty and from their first attempt of the game, we lost 1-0. Concord was a more even game, but we won a penalty on 85 minutes. Ben Watson stepped up and hit the bar, only for Concord to go up the other end and win it. Both occasions occurred before the cutbacks. We knew any luck was going to go against us this season.
The one thing you want to see changed for next season
Some of the regulars based in Dorch coming to more away games. And of course a few more wins would be nice!
Vossy:
Honest lad in the trenches player of the season
In a season where I believe we used somewhere in the region of 50 (yes, FIFTY) players at the revolving door of a club, there are very few who could actually have a claim to be a genuine contender for this most prestigious of TSOF awards. However I’ll agree with the ‘masses’ (Slader voted 30 times for him in the online player of the season) and give my player of the season to AWH. I’ll agree that a goalkeeper conceded nigh on 90 goals, in a team who finished bottom, isn’t the most obvious of choices. But having started the season as second choice, he had a large part in the points we did win, and helped keep the scores respectable (ish) in many defeats. In footballing trench warfare, this is the type of keeper you would want next to you before going out to inevitable slaughter, as he did in game situations may times this season. That and I can have a decent chat about all things WWE with him. That goes a long way in my book. Congrats Al, your prize is my respect and I’ll buy you and orange juice and lemonade next season.
Dud of the season
This is an award that could have many contenders. Again, with 50 players used and the worst season in recent memory in a result sense, many could be in with a good shout of this one. But if AWH was player of the season, poor Tim Sandercombe had the polar opposite type of season. I’m sure he is a good keeper, and he was a signing that I was quite happy with in pre-season. However so early season and very costly mistakes saw him leave the club very early into the season. A shame, as I believe he had a decent spell at our feeder club (or Weymouth as it’s known to some), but it was a season best forgotten by poor Tim.
Funniest Moment of the season
With much to select from including Shank’s berating Chelmsford’s keeper to the extent even his defence were laughing, the one hour passage of antics in Lewes in general probably take it for me. Taking the antique hunting horns off the wall and posing for a picture was amusing, running around the hotel and utilising them in the restaurant, before then offering a horn to the receptionist was even sillier. And then Cam being unable to awake Fred from his power nap by blowing said horn in his ear was even funnier. Fred’s violent sickness shortly after, Cam pissing in a bathtub before appearing to be noshed off by a dog, and my attempt at the splits made for immature if not highly amusing evening. We then had to run for a train. This was the most difficult one to pick, so for all other antics, re-read the blogs as I can’t do them all justice in one paragraph.
Worst moment of the season
Almost the whole performance away at Havant. Having been to a limited number of games, I can’t comment on other obvious ‘sickening’ moments (the last minute loss at Basingstoke, our relegation being confirmed by Hayes at home, the surrender vs Maidenhead at home, etc etc), but seeing a game that was literally men v boys for parts of it, and the pretty horrible realisation that, with all due respect to those involved, we would get relegated with that squad, was pretty shit (I would say sobering, but if there is one thing we weren’t after that game, it’s sober). The fact we avoided relegation for as long as we did and almost hauled ourselves out of trouble at one point is a credit to Phil and the players. But pretty much accepting relegation in mid-December and looking at potential Southern League away trips before the half way point, isn’t great.
The Danny Ings award for most tedious joke of the season
The phrases “I blame the trust”, and “did we mention we once beat Plymouth”, were used to death, but were more tolerable than these. Firstly is the constant Phil re-quoting of players being an “honest lad” or being the type of player you’d “want in the trenches with you”. Please, get a new catchphrase Phil! Secondly is the usual comparison of the pitch at the Avenue to a WW1 battlefield based on the above trench quote. Rumours of help from Kingston Maurwood College sound promising (that said, I’m not sure how a sheep shearing student will help with the upkeep of the 18 yard box), but one man with a pitch fork probably won’t solve the problem. I recognise there are several soil and environment based factors the club can’t really control, but how is Dorch rec in a better state than the Avenue? Hopefully the board do take steps to improve it if they are financially viable, as we do try and play decent football. But it’s very difficult on a pitch like ours. Sort the grass, or 3G the lot!
Best landlord of the season
Any landlord that allows two strangers to run around his hotel with antique hunting horns that they took off the wall is the easy winner of this award. The owner of the White Hart Hotel in Lewes, we at TSOF salute you.
Best fans
An odd choice considering we didn’t actually play them, but I’ll say the Merthyr fans that Cam and I encountered at Farnborough away were the best bunch. Having seen their game cancelled and looking for their non-league fix, they joined us at Farnborough to see us lose a game we deserved more from. Easily outnumbering us (it may well have been just Cam and I there that day), they were good laugh, heavy drinkers, and it ended up being a bloody good night, although I had to go early, so I have no idea if anything happened after I left… It’s a genuine shame they didn’t make it up through the play offs.
Worst fans
For me, there was something fundamentally unlikeable about Eastleigh fans. The bemusing chanting about Yaya and Kolo Toure, some fans arrogance about having a wealthy backer (see how Dorch fared under Eddie Mitchell and the last 6 years at Pompey for my thoughts on that), and one of their fans telling us how he didn’t like those ‘”non-British players”, mean they take the accolade of worst fans. One of their fans saying they didn’t like the alleged foreigner in Stuart Fleetwood, who is from the less than exotic Chepstow, as he had a beard, kind of sums it up.
Best away trip of the season
Taking into account the season in a footballing sense was an unmitigated disaster, we did make the best of a bad situation on several occasions, and make a decent day from a bad result. But wins are more enjoyable, so having not attended Maidenhead, I’ll go with the victory at Tonbridge. It was a day that had almost everything from a fans perspective in a 90th minute winner that at the time meant something, some ridiculous celebrations following said winner (Nath Walker hanging off the crossbar anyone?) that were excellently captured by Tommy, a lot of drinking, good support comprised of faces new and old, and too many anecdotes to mention here. I wrote the blog on it as well which was fun to wrote, so refresh your memory of the day by reading that! Honourable mentions go to the victory at Eastbourne (which I think was our most complete team performance of the season that I saw) and the drinking carnage that occurred in Lewes after, and the guest appearance of Martyn Richards at Chelmsford away, which despite a 4-1 loss was as funny a midweek game as I’ve been to in a long time
The Steve Hill Award for best drunken moment of the season
Too many instances to adequately cover here. My attempt at the splits in Lewes was a stupid as it was amusing, and actually put me out of sport for a whole month, Tom and Cam both falling asleep on trains and waking up nowhere near their homes, Fred being sick outside the delightful White Hart in Lewes after rinsing me for having a shandy when I was hungover earlier in the day could all win it. But as it’s an award named after him, Steve Hill’s graceless fall from the luggage rack of a train to the floor via a table and the heads of Cam and I wins it for me. Having been shoved in a the overhead luggage rack by a few of us, Ed’s shout of “lie down if you love Weymouth” caused Steve to instinctively roll from said rack to the floor with all the aerodynamic properties of a brick, hit the floor via us with an almighty thud, before standing up and continuing the Weymouth hating chant. Hilarious.
The most baffling moment of the season
The argument with some Eastbourne fans over litter on the floor. Yes, I’ll accept that some of it might have been ours (it definitely was ours), but the aggressive and almost confrontational nature of two of their fans was as baffling as it was annoying. Glad we beat them to then gloat how they’d dropped 3 points on the pitch (har de har har).
The one thing you want to see changed for next season
Winning more games would be the obvious one. That or a more positive outlook from the club as a whole rather than excuses and damage limitation from an early stage. It seemed as though our fate had been accepted somewhere between pre-season and the sixth game of the season, and that negativity can’t have helped the playing squad. But next season already looks more promising with some good signings already made, and the core of the squad remaining the same is no bad thing (I personally still want to see Jem re-sign for the coming season). Hopefully with a few further wise additions, we can look to have a decent season of stability, and build from there after the on and off field dramas of last season. With some new places to drink in and trips to places with novelty names such as Biggleswade and St Neots, it should be entertaining on the social side if nothing more. Here’s hoping for a better season in 2014/15. UTM
Cam:
Honest lad in the trenches player of the season
For the latter part of the season, Jem has been running with the speed of someone in the Somme, but that’s not quite how this particular cliché works. In which case, it has to be Smeets. He has never given up and constantly put his body on the line – in our case, the goal line. I doff my tin hat to him.
Dud of the season
Couple of very strong nominations for this ‘award’ – but I’m going to go a bit leftfield and say Clive Makoni. It comes to something when the highlight of your season is getting sent off on your debut. A talented player, I’m sure, but we were never able to see it as Clive seemed to have the balance of the Costa Concordia and spent the entire season falling over his own feet.
Funniest Moment of the season
Christ, where to start with this one. Brighton was a great laugh, but the trip to Eastbourne was one that will stay with me for at least a couple of years! From the 50-year old bloke threatening us with ‘my uncle is the chairman’ to Fred chucking up whilst leaning up against Thomas Paine’s blue plaque, the whole day was pure craic. That said, running around the hotel blowing hunting horns in the lounge bar, reception and restaurant, whilst trying to work out if the wife of the Doncaster couple was a prostitute or not, after she propositioned me ‘up stairs’ was the best “lets have a quiet one and calm down a bit, lads” ever witnessed.
Worst moment of the season
Oh, Basingstoke. Fucking Basingstoke. I have never felt so numb after conceding a goal. Nobody said a word for a good half hour after the whistle. Horrible, but a wonderful metaphor for Basingstoke.
The Danny Ings award for most tedious joke of the season
“I blame the Trust” Must like the ‘We’re winning at home’ song a couple of years back, it was funny at first but serious over use rendered it tedious in the extreme.
Best landlord of the season
Dan in the Blue Man Bar, Brighton was awesome, letting us wreck the place, gate crash the private party downstairs and even offering us complimentary shots. Top man.
Best fans
Unsurprisingly, I’ll have to go with Sutton. They like to drink, sticker the fuck out of places and tear Eastleigh fans new ones…. What’s not to love?
Worst fans
Eastleigh. Any fans who are top of the league having been bankrolled by a millionaire and only turn up on Boxing Day with 30 tops and then spending the first half singing about Yaya and Kolo Toure, deserve all the ridicule they get. Absolutely tinpot club.
Best away trip of the season
Eastbourne was great for the antics and sheer quantity of alcohol consumed, but that was solely dependent on a bloody good result. In terms of actual trip, I’ll have to go with Gosport. Beautiful sunny day, with a good number of us. Plenty of pre-match drinking round Pompey, Phil later walking round Pompey shoeless after his flip flop was thrown in the harbour; Fred missing the Ferry and Steve almost chatting up the most horrendous looking ‘ladies’ you’ve ever seen.
The Steve Hill Award for best drunken moment of the season
So many moments brightened up this darkest of dark seasons this year. Funnily enough all influenced heavily by alcohol. The barman offering Tom Berry a “glass of milk for the pussy’ on his first TSOF outing, was great. As was Stevie Hill’s fall from the luggage rack en route back from Tonbridge. But nothing will beat that hotel and those hunting horns. I will literally winded by laughing so much. It genuinely hurt to laugh.
The most baffling moment of the season
Two absolute stand moments for this one. The first being on the upper deck at Waterloo station having just got off the train back from Tonbridge. Throwing the flag to Stevie, I massively misjudged it and flung it over Steve and over the balcony into the masses of Waterloo station bellow. Running down the escalators in a blind panic should anybody do a runner with our flag, you can imagine my surprise jumping off the escalator, turning into the main causeway to find that flag in the laps of a couple of ours lads who had earlier got the wrong train and split up from us. Panic over.
That said, the winner of this award can only go to Fred for our good half-hour long argument over drinking in Bath or Bristol on the way back from Weston. Fred, seemingly unable to work out that with both Bath and Bristol on the same train line home, it didn’t matter which city we drank in, either way we’d have to spend half an hour travelling between the two – either at the beginning or the end. On a packed out First Great Western train (shock, there) even the locals were getting irritated with the lad.
The one thing you want to see changed for next season
A bit more arrogance. We are far too nice as a club and massively underplay ourselves. As a fan of another club pointed out to us recently, there aren’t many clubs at this level who are followed by quite so many ‘early 20-year olds’ which is a sign of how embedded the club is in the town. This season has shown the loyalty of our fan base, averaging as we do around the 400 mark in a season where prices were raised by 20% and the team never got higher from second bottom. A bit more pride and arrogance please.
Leave a Reply