There is theory that many addicts can clearly remember when they ‘hit rock bottom’. Well 1700 on 04/01/2020 is hopefully the start of a recovery of some sorts as the preceding 90 minutes of football, and indeed the last few months have been steadily building towards this, a 3-1 defeat against the side that at the start of play was bottom of the league having scored only 15 goals in 20 games. Our makeshift side worked hard but were comfortably second best and it is now us who occupy bottom of the league with the staggeringly depressing record of;

P 24, W 3, D 6, L 23, GD-28, PTS 15

On that note, we’re pleased to welcome the new management duo of Leigh Robinson and Robbie Herrera to the club, all the best chaps, you have our full support.

The actual day itself wasn’t terrible and this fact alone probably should have alerted us to the fact the football would fucking ruin it. As The Roth, TG and I assembled in the Baker St spoons for some pre-game nourishment, we were optimistic. A new manager, a game against the only side below us in the league, and a trip that wouldn’t cost a small fortune or take an age to get to the ground. Predictions of a win might have been fuelled by coffee or saturated fats but seemed reasonable at the time as we trotted to Marylebone to pick up some beers for the short journey to rural Beaconsfield. After a particularly frustrating encounter with a self service checkout which refused to recognise my can of Mikkeller, we ventured past several places which I refuse to believe are actually real and just made up names for stations. Gerrards Cross, for fucks sake. That’s an assist not a place. With Berry arriving in El Generale’s mototcade, news from the team coach was scarce, but Neil Martin’s Instagram did reveal that Billy Lowes disney character was ‘Shere Khan’, the tiger in the jungle book. Quite the revelation.

Beaconsfield is most definitely a place and it’s a place that the 3 of us are well below the average wage. The White Hart was the first port of call in the town and one which made me realise that London isn’t as expensive as you think, and following a swift pint there, it was off to the ground. It’s a ground we’ve managed get lost when heading to on at least two occasions, but there was no such issues today as Goddard was entrusted with navigation duties following Fred’s mapping failures on previous visits. One arriving at the bar after only getting slightly lost, we were surprised to see a decent contingent from DT1 for the dawning of this particular new era. Amongst them was the chairman of Dorchester CC and resident pitch inspector, ‘Deadly’ Derrien, and our conversation lurched between the local cricket leagues, the fact that both myself and Devon Derrien have been Cheselbourne’s overseas player, and that we were both optimisic about the Dorch’s chances. Deadly also was unable to locate the light switch in the gents and had pissed using only the light of his mobile phone before the next customer walked in and turned the lights on. Amusement and optimism continued until we saw the team sheet.

With no time to bring in his own players and a squad decimated by departure and suspension, the defence especially was a bit patchwork at best. The back 4 included a rare start at right back for Jason Brookes, two centre midfielders in Winnie and Franklyn at centre back, and Tiago Sa at left back being the only player in what could be considered his actual position. We’d forgotten Ben Rowthorn was registered who started in midfield, and also featuring was Ollie Lowes, playing alongside his big brother in Shere Khan. Ollie becomes the second player to play for Dorchester Sports as well as us this season, a stat we’re not quite sure what to make of. As the Rebellion IPA flowed, the optimism was slightly checked, but soon it was time to see what the 90 minutes would bring. I wish we’d stayed in the bar.

We started brightly enough with Tom Bath having a hard angled shot well stopped by the keeper and we worked a couple of good opening in wide areas that we were unable to make more of. Deadly was able lecture the linesman about where a drop ball should be taken from, as well as berating the poor sod over the home keeper’s under armour not matching the rest of a kit. It was all good fun, and then we conceded. Under seemingly little pressure, Brookesy badly sliced a clearance, Shane made a decent save but as luck would have it, the rebound fell straight to an attacker. 1-0 down and the reality of the situation was setting in. Another passage of nice but nothing to show for it followed and then lo and behold, it was 2-0. A cut back from ex-magpie Charlie Losasso was turned in at the near post and at 2-0, it was going to be very tough to get anything. A quick chat with the chairman (Scott, not Deadly) did reveal plans were afoot to strengthen the squad and there was budget available to do so, and this will have to be done in a hurry as it seems pretty apparent that what’s there at the moment isn’t going to get the job done.

My halftime tea and Mars bar combo did little to lighten my mood, and despite Tom Bath hitting the post with a header in the first real attack of the second half, there were only seconds between that happening and Winnie accidentally turning a cross into his own net. 3-0 and even gallows humour was in short supply. Alfie Toland and Eder Batista were introduced but little changed in that we looked demoralised and all of our set pieces seemed destined to the hit the first defender square in the head. The only amusement came from one bloke being totally unable to open a gate to leave the ground but having a go at it for a good 2 minutes trying to do so. It just needed a pull, not a push, but he didn’t have that intuition. On the field it could have been 4-0 as a good chance for the home side hit the bar, but instead of that Tom Bath won and scored a penalty to finally give us something to at least crack a smile at. It was a consolation and no more and despite a couple of half chances it was a well deserved 3-1 defeat.

Back in the bar to drown the sorrows seemed the wisest idea and to try to watch a bit of the 1731 kick off in the cup. With all games put back in the cup at the weekend by a minute to encourage fans to consider their mental health and promote positive well being, a possible wise idea to improve DTFC fans well being to would be to watch another sport or avoid looking at the league table, it’s a bit grim at the moment to say the least. As the post match postmortem was underway and it provided some food for thought about how we could improve and who we could bring in. On the subject of food, the first 3 players to tuck in to the post match players food were out suspended trio of Hutch, Neil and Tom Blair, all this before the other players had arrived. Fair play, a mans got to eat. It was a disappointing day all around, and as we trotted off towards the hive of activity that Beaconsfield town centre is, we did pop into the the local RFC as it was open, and the past 2 times we’ve ended up there due to Goggle map malfunctions. The locals were surprised to see 3 Dorch fans at the bar, more surprised to hear that Beaconsfield had won a game. Expect the unexpected when we’re around.

A pint and a bite to eat, the train home and MOTD followed and that was Beaconsfield away, a thoroughly depressing day out. Despite all that, it’s not over yet. With 17 games left to go there is enough points to play for, the problem being that we have neither points on the board or games in hand compared to those around us. Most teams have at least 2 games in hand on us and we’re 3 points plus goal difference away from safety. The manager does have budget and hopefully players in mind for much needed strengthening, Neil and Hutch both return from suspension for the next game, and we’ll hopefully have Callum Rose back soon enough. The defensive area is in dire need of reinforcement and an equal concern is the 7 game ban that Tom Blair has after picking up 3 red and 12 yellow cards. When fit, he’s vital and one of our best players. He is fuck all use in the stand though, so hopefully this is his wake up call as another red will probably see him miss the early part of next season and the August bank holiday derby vs Larkhall Athletic. I’m not a fan of the opinion that the club needs to go down and rebuild, we said that about 5 seasons ago and look where that’s fucking got us. Staying up is vital and here’s hoping for a drastic upturn in form and a successful upheaval of the squad. Failing that, a pint behind the goal against Bristol Manor Farm will have to do. God fucking forbid. UTM. SV