“A thirty minute walk? You can literally see it from here and read the fucking signs we’re that close.”

There have been times recently when us going behind was the death knell for that particular game. The amount of games where we’ve been 0-0 at halftime to inevitably go behind and succumb to a 2-0 or a 3-0 loss in this godforsaken league is no doubt a big number. As recently as earlier this season we’ve been in good positions and even then feared the worst. 3-2 up away at Walton a few games in and none of us were confident we’d hold on and felt we had to get the next goal to stand any chance. We lost 6-3. But, its fair to say a lot has changed since then and with recent results and performances, nothing seems irretrievable now. 3-0 down at Totton? We can get back level. 4-3 down straight after? Give us a couple of minutes and we’ll be fine. 2-1 down at home to Merthyr? Olaf will have something to say about that. Player sent off at Didcot? We only need 10 men.  And last Saturday at Beaconsfield added another thoroughly deserved win to our recent comeback collection as we turned a 2-1 deficit at halftime into a 4-3 win that if anything flattered our hosts.

Despite having been there more times than I’d care to remember, good days out at Beaconsfield, AKA The Rams in a league with many animal based nicknames, and their Holloways Park ground have been few and far between as I’ve seen us lose almost every time, and each visit usually sees us get lost in some way, shape or form. Our first visit there set the tone some ten years ago, and it was when they had Slough as tenants. We got lost on the drive in on that occasion, but we weren’t the only latecomers as one of our players, possibly Matt Oldring, had got caught in traffic. We turned up with the score at 0-0 after 20 or so minutes and Jem decided to bring the late arriving Oldring straight on for our makeshift centre half of Tony Lee. Tony reacted by punching the dugout and heading straight to the dressing room, the rest of the side responded by losing 4-1.

Even the solitary victory I’ve seen there wasn’t exactly a classic. The tenants this time were Hayes and Yeading, the game was on a Sunday, and it almost got abandoned due to a serious injury to Nathan Walker. We were level at 1-1 when Nathan collided with Shane Murphy and we were given a 70 odd minute delay and Nathan being carted off in an ambulance wearing a neck brace. You’d think the game would probably be called off. Wrong. With Hayes and the ref keen to carry on, a Dave Jerrard freekick gave us all three points, and given that Nathan had injured his head rather than something he uses on a more consistent basis, everything turned out okay. Every other visit has been a loss, each seeming more painful than the next; a back four of Jason Brookes, Luke Winsper, Franklyn Clarke and Tiago Sa still gives me occasional nightmares from an especially woeful 3-1 loss in the season that a global pandemic saved us from relegation.

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Mercifully, we’re in much better shape now, and buoyed from last week’s 2-1 home win over the same opposition, those of us making the trip fancied our chances. Beaconsfield hadn’t been great in that game, we’d been very good. A good turnout from our fans in that game saw nearly 600 in attendance, with the pay what you want initiative proving popular. It wasn’t popular with the away side as despite having the chance to pay what they fancied, no one fancied the trip at all. Goals from Shaq and Spetch had got us the points last weekend, and with the Tivvy game in between times on Tuesday predictably being cancelled due to the weather, it meant back to back games against Beaconsfield as we headed into Buckinghamshire.

I watch Dorch in more expectation than hope these days; our away form this year especially has been excellent, and even our plans for travel on away days have actually turned out to be mostly decent, with my taxi at Bracknell being the sole exception. JP once again came along after the successful day out at Harrow in January, and being a superstitious bunch, we breakfasted at the same local cafe in Peckham as we’d done that day. The other local food option was the pie and mash shop which had got a thorough going over a few days’ prior, but the breakfast routine couldn’t be changed, and after a fry up of wonderfully unhealthy proportions, we headed off on our journey to Bucks.

Rather than train from Marylebone to Beaconsfield, visit gastro pubs for overpriced beer, get lost trying to find the ground and then watch us lose, we hatched a better travel plan. Tube to Ickenham from London Bridge, meet Eames and Fred, beer there, then Uber to the M40 services that’s a five minute walk to the ground and go to the Spoons that’s inexplicably at that services before walking over to Holloways Park. This plan worked excellently and JP and I were actually early into Ickenahm, so popped to the pleasant surrounds of the Coach & Horses for a swift one with a bit of the Wolves v Coventry game on, before the more modest pricing of Spoons would become the order of the day. Eames joined us there for one, greeting us with an “alright moneybags” as we’d chosen the upmarket option, and we soon crossed the road to The Tichenham spoons where 3 pints cost me £7.45 for the lot. Being so used to paying that for a solitary pint in London, I almost fainted. The Roth soon joined and after another swift one it was off to the Hope & Champion, the first and possibly still the only motorway services pub.

How and why Wetherspoons selected the Beaconsfield services off junction 2 of the M40 as the ideal place for their first motorway pub is anyone’s guess. But it provided us with the perfect pre-match pitstop as the ground is literally a five minute walk from the services. As our Uber arrived, the timing couldn’t have been better as another of the Dorch contingent arrived at the same time, although Bargey was obviously expecting better weather than we were getting as he was wearing sunglasses. A closer look revealed he also had some visible marking on his face and it turns out he wasn’t expecting bright sunshine, but he’d broken his normal glasses. Had he been scrapping? Nope, he’d just got pissed up at skittles and ran into a signpost after. I’m reliably informed the signpost is fine.

The pub itself is a very generic Spoons – cheap beer, questionable carpeted floors, and toilets up an unnecessary amount of stairs. A budget hotel and the usual fast food chains are handily either side of the pub, with Fred getting himself a KFC and Eames getting a McDonalds so hot that the steam coming off the burger made it look like a new Pope was being elected. Medical analysis done, food and cheap rounds purchased, we assembled in one of the larger and better beer gardens you’ll likely get at a Spoons and were soon joined by Jon and Charlie Krayne and the conversation moved to the day’s game. Shockingly, we all thought we’d win. This sort of shared optimism never happens and shows just how well we’ve been playing recently. After the Hungerford defeat at home in early January, we were stuck deep in relegation trouble and not sure where the next points were coming from. Now, there’s confidence we’ll get something in every game we play. A remarkable turnaround. Another win was something we’d all drink to, so we had one more before heading over the road to Holloways Park.

El Generale had arrived early as the advance guard and had elected not to head to the service Spoons as it was too far. He said Google had told him it was a 30 minute walk, when in fact it was five and you can literally see the services from the ground. Scott had come equipped with a bag of scarves as I’d said I’d have one for JP to match his new retro DTFC pin badge, and never one to miss out on some extra revenue, the chairman then sold the other scarves to Dev Derrien and Eames who decided they looked half decent. Dev’s rather hopeful request of “do you accept card”, as if Scott would have travelled with a chip and PIN device from Dorch, was met with the sort of response you’d imagine. Dev duly paid in cash. The team news was in with only one change from the reverse fixture last weekend as Luke Pardoe came in for Will Fletcher, and the bench was looking strong should we need to change things up. There seemed to be decent enough numbers of Dorch there, drummer included, and as the players lined up in the tunnel, we were struck by just how tall Ed James was. We hadn’t noticed before but he seemed massive. It turns out he was standing on a step and isn’t actually the same height as the Big Show.  Shaking our heads at our own stupidity, we were kicking towards the clubhouse end first half on their 3G pitch and it was the hosts who had the better of the early exchanges.

Some slack play from us saw Horlick having to be alert to get down to his left and keep out a volleyed effort, and James Dobson had his chipped effort safely gathered by Horlick, all inside the first ten minutes. The Rams would carve out a couple of half chances but we’d soon find a foothold in the game not long after with our first chance of note falling to Olaf, who capitalised on a hesitant home defender to drive into the box from the left-hand side, only to curl his effort wide of the far post. We took the lead on 20 minutes and it came in what is now predictable fashion as Will Spetch headed home at the back post from a Corby Moore corner. It was so simple I half expected the whistle to blow for a foul as the corner had been taken too early or there was an obvious foul. But no, it was a very good header from a very good cross with Beaconsfield not really seeming to do anything to try and stop it. The players celebrated, Olaf emptied the keeper’s water bottle, and all was right with the world. This was Spetch’s tenth goal of the season, I think, for both us and Poole and he’s an absolute monster at set pieces. If he’s not scoring them, then he’s getting the assist as someone else benefits from his initial header. We’re obviously working on these as well and not just hanging balls up into the box and hoping he gets on the end of them, and given his impact in both penalty areas, he’s quickly become a vital player for us. 1-0 up and 20 gone, I fancied us to continue to press and get the next goal. This feeling lasted approximately three minutes.

Dobson curled in a freekick from the home side’s right channel, and the Rams’ Jacques Kpohomouh was not only able to take a touch, but then lift it over the sprawling Horlick and still manage to dive and head the ball in just to make sure. All from within our own six yard box. How we lost their giant centre half is a valid question. To quote Bricktop; “well, where’d you lose him? He ain’t a set of fucking car keys, is he?” One of life’s little mysteries. The mystery deepened after 38 minutes as we then fell behind with another goal that was frustrating at best to concede.

Beaconsfield’s keeper may have had a dodgy haircut but he did have a hell of a kick on him, his kick out his hands managing to split our defence, bounce once, and Dobson lobbed the ball over Jameson Horlick towards the goal. Had Horlick taken the safety first option and gone to push it over the bar, he’d have likely saved it. He elected to try and catch it and despite getting both hands to it and momentarily seeming to have the ball in his grasp, he couldn’t hold it and it squirmed through his hands and into the net. 2-1 down and neither manager would have been happy with the goals conceded at all. There was still time for Horlick to make another low save to his left, halftime coming soon after with us being 2-1 down and feeling a little aggrieved to be behind.

A quick top up of our pints and back out to the end with the services for the second half saw all of us avoid the burger van as it was established in the first half that they serve the worst food we’d had in several seasons. This covers a lot of ground and burgers, with the cheeseburger in particular being at a similar level to some of the gruel I saw served up at Pentonville. Food standards aside, our halftime debrief had all of us in agreement that we’d get something from the game yet, and we started the half as we’d mean to go on with another Moore corner being met by a towering Spetch header that was cleared off the line by a home defender. This seemed more luck than judgement as the ball thudded into the chest of the man on the line with the keeper grasping at thin air in the six yard box, but the home side never looked comfortable defending crosses into their own box, even before they lost their captain, who also happened to be a central defender, to injury at halftime. We’d soon draw level with only five minutes of the second half played.

Some good work in the middle from Moore and Daws set Olaf away down the left, his deep cross wasn’t properly dealt with, nor was Moore’s from the right, with the ball eventually bouncing up nicely for Luke Pardoe to drill an effort back across the keeper and into the far corner from around 12 yards. No big celebration, no fuss, ball out the back of the net and back to the centre circle. Of all the goals in the game, this was the best finish/one you couldn’t question the keeping on, and given how early into the half it was and the players’ reactions to the goal, you could tell they weren’t here to hang on for a draw. We went back ahead on the hour mark, and you’ll never guess how it came about.

A Corby Moore corner was headed goalwards by Will Spetch, with Marcus Daws getting the faintest of flicks on the way through as the ball sailed into the net. Now, if Daws was bald, he probably doesn’t get a touch on this. Luckily for him his hair has enough volume on it and he did get the final touch from our angle and from what the highlights show. The highlights also show this was another very good corner routine with Spetch making a perfectly timed late run into the box, Moore’s cross being equally well delivered, and us now having a deserved 3-2 lead. TSOF dubious goals panel wasn’t done for the day yet as we went 4-2 up with 72 minutes on the clock.

A wide freekick some 30 yards out on the left hand side was whipped in by Corby Moore towards the far post. It was a horrible ball to defend and defend it horribly is what the home side did as the ball carried on all the way through and nestled in the far corner of the net. The goal was given at the time to the Ram’s defender, Daniel Roth, but given he’s unlikely to want it, no Dorch player was trying to claim it, and the ball was on target with or without the glance it may or may not have taken, we congratulate Corby on his first Dorchester goal. He’s certainly deserved one recently with his form and partnership with Jordan Ngalo being one of the many reasons we find ourselves moving up the table. We could have had a fifth soon after, as a corner not properly dealt with saw a Moore cross met by a Spetch header – this time the ball ended up on the top of the net rather than in it, but we weren’t stopping pushing forward.

As is often the case with us, we don’t make things easy for ourselves. With five minutes to go we gave away a needless penalty, Ed James barreling into the back of a home attacker for what looked an obvious penalty even from the other end. Dobson scored and we were left with a nervy last few minutes when we had looked in no danger whatsoever moments prior. But we saw the five normal and added four minutes out without further alarm, with a vital 4-3 win on the road secured and three more precious points that saw us move up the table as well as pulling level on 41 points with both our hosts and Poole Town. Enjoyable celebrations followed at the fulltime whistle, Daws and JD donning the goggles this week as Craner looks to put together a calendar for next year, Jordan Ngalo took part in a photo shoot for his debut album cover, and we noisily celebrated with our three points.

The talk in the bar afterwards was as optimistic as it’s been in a long time with our league position improving, a run of six without defeat away from home being a rarity, and the prospect of survival being assured sooner rather than later being something that’s looking likely rather than the barrel we were staring down at the turn of the year. The players were debating who had got goals three and four, Spetch saying the third was his, Daws saying he’d got the final touch, Corby said the fourth goal was his, Ed James laid claim to it, and I’m pretty sure at one point that Keith Kellaway claimed all four. Hopefully TSOF dubious goals panel has put this all to bed – this is the second game we’ve had to adjudicate on after Alex Moyse was initially denied the opener in our 6-3 hammering at Walton. Thankfully, results and losses like that seem to be behind us now. After a quick stop back at the Ickenham Spoons for some food ahead of the tube back into London, there was time for one more beer for JP and I at London Bridge before we headed back home, another successful away day done in a year of many so far.

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I’ve been lucky enough to see all six of our away games in 2024, four wins and two draws representing a bloody good haul of points given our previous struggles, and we’ve been good value for every result. There seems to be a real change of mood around the club and the slight increase in crowds, definite increase in performance, and vast improvement in results is brilliant to see. We don’t go into games fearful of a battering or that the result and the football will get in the way of a good day out, there’s actually a belief that we can get results against anyone from pretty much any position. We don’t think we’re going to win every game, but every game now seems winnable. That wasn’t the case not that long ago, and long may this continue. Well done to all the players and management, it’s fun watching us again.

One person who I hope to see watching us again soon is Rob Lowe. Rob was my nextdoor neighbour for a few years, a work colleague at HMP Dorchester, an occasional drinking partner, and a fellow mercenary on the local goalkeeping circuit for hire given the right number of pints. Rob had a serious health scare recently, and it was to the relief of many when we heard he was past the worst and on the mend. A bloke who you never hear a bad word said about, hopefully he’ll be back painting the bars on cell windows and drinking Thatchers soon. Here’s a perfectly sober picture of Rob, myself, and two other local stalwarts of the goalkeepers union from a few years ago. It’s a miracle none of us went pro.

I can’t get to a game until Tivvy at home on the Bank Holiday now, but I look forward to seeing which player dons the goggles next. It’s only a matter of time before Scott will be at every away game with a bag of scarves and some black and white goggles to sell, and of course a chip and PIN device for those without cash. SV.

 

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One response to ““A thirty minute walk? You can literally see it from here and read the fucking signs we’re that close.””

  1. michaelbiles Avatar
    michaelbiles

    Again an excellent review in the day in the life of a Dorc fan. I think the food and booze means as much if not more than the game, which is of course beautifully written. Well done.

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