There are many prestigious awards ceremonies with a multitude of coveted titles. You have The Oscars, BAFTAS, Cannes Film Festival and many more. TSOF end of season awards are definitely not in this category, but that will not stop them from being awarded. All things considered, it hasn’t been a bad season at all given that at one point in January we looked like relegation fodder, and we ended up actually having an outside chance of the playoffs with two games to go. For those of us who witnessed some of our performances over the festive period, the latter part of that sentence seems absolutely fucking mental. But without further ado, here are the winners, or in some cases losers, of these quite pointless awards.
Player of the season: Ollie Haste.
The most ‘prestigious’ of these awards came down to a straight choice between Ollie and Shaq with respectful nods to a few others. The ‘of the season’ part does limit the candidates for this given the turnover of players we’ve had. Only Hastey, Shaq, Jordan Ngalo, Olaf, Ieuan Turner and Lewis’s Toms and Waterfield were in the squad on the opening day defeat at Merthyr and finished the season with the club, so player for the season might have been a more apt title. But Hastey is a worthy winner of the award, having missed only 5 games all season and been ever-present under Tommy. Ollie’s defensive performances have been of a very high standard, and he’s been the only constant in the backline that has undergone a lot of changes over the season with injury, suspension and player turnover meaning it took a long time to get anything close to a settled backline. His attacking play when he roams forward has seen him become a very valuable asset at both ends of the pitch, with his injury time equaliser at Gosport being one of my favourite goals of the season, his first minute strike at Bracknell setting us on the way to a vital 3-1 win in what was one of our best performances, and his roaming runs on the overlap causing multiple problems for opposition defences in our excellent run that saw us pull clear of danger and even threaten to make a late playoff charge. We’d love to see Ollie back at the club next season, but we can’t imagine we’ll be the only side after his signature. If it helps swing the deal, Ollie, we’ll even sponsor you again. But congratulations to Hastey, a much-deserved winner of this award. He wins both our respect, and best wishes.
Goal of the season: Will Fletcher v Harrow Borough.
Of the games and goals I saw, this was probably the easiest decision of the lot. Olaf’s volley against Merthyr was a hell of a hit and could easily have won in just about any other season; apparently his goal in the postponed game against Beaconsfield was also very good, but I tried watching the clip of that and it looked like the view from a plane window at 25,000 feet. However, both in terms of quality of goal and overall importance, Fletch’s chip from what was almost a neighbouring borough at Harrow takes the victory here. The actual goal itself was ridiculous. After a Harrow attack broke down, Corby Moore’s ball into Fletch was nicely taken under control just inside the opposition half, with the home defence trying to usher him wide. What the defence, the goalkeeper, and none of us were expecting was a chip from somewhere in the 35–40-yard bracket that floated over the rather helpless keeper’s head, and you could barely have gotten a rizla paper between the ball and the crossbar as the ball nestled in the back of the net. A stunning goal on its own, but in the context of the year this was huge and was probably the turning point of our whole season. We were seven days removed from an abysmal 4-2 home defeat against Hungerford that kept us rooted in the relegation zone, and Harrow were the side directly below us. Fletch’s wonder strike was the opening goal in a 2-0 win that got us three very valuable points and a first clean sheet of the season. We only lost once in the next 17 games – without Fletch’s goal, that run may not have happened.
The Ultimate Warrior award: Corby Moore.
Having taken an errant boot to the head which left him with looking like he’d been taken from a medieval battlefield, it didn’t look like Corby would be fit to continue that Saturday at Winchester, and he was duly subbed off. When we all saw the graphic picture of the rather gaping headwound he was left with, it looked like he’d be out of action for a fair stretch of time given how long it would take that type of cut to heal and the amount of work that probably went into closing it up. Even Corby’s wedding photos had doubt cast upon them such was the nature of the cut. So, when he was part of our warmup a couple of days later at home to Tiverton sporting a bandage on his head that probably would have allowed him to head a bowling ball in relative comfort, we were all very surprised. Corby then proceeded to turn in one of his, up to that point, best performances in a Dorch shirt and was a vital cog in the machine that won 2-1 in injury time having played 85 minutes with ten men. Commitment to cause and performance level that elevated him in the eyes of fans, this award going forward will just be the Corby Moore award as playing with that wound buried beneath his headband was fucking nails.
The Golden Noggerhead award: Totton’s Rogue Trader.
Noggerhead (Dorset dialect). A blockhead. A Very stupid person. And trust me, we came across some fucking thick people this season. Leigh Bedwell of Didcot town manged to nominate himself twice for this in both the home and away fixture as he rose to the rather simple baiting from behind the goal in our 3-1 win and tried to start a ‘fight’ in the bar after. What actually happened was him and Fin Crane awkwardly looking at one another until a Didcot coach, wearing a fetching pair of blue crocs, pulled his player back, and then both parties started wagging fingers at each other when there was no danger. Bedwell was then at fault for our second half winner with ten men in the reverse fixture, having gone down holding his face when the ball was launched at his chest in the first. Thankfully for Leigh’s sake, Didcot were relegated, so he won’t have such issues with us next season.
Another strong candidate was Winchester manager Craig Davis who was had plenty to say about our side and fans following our 1-1 draw at their place over the Easter Bank Holiday. It was so much that it wasn’t limited to just the post-match interview of our game with them, but also another game after and then into the YouTube comments when asked about them by Cam. On the plus side, Craig did coin the term toxic to describe us, which has ended up on a flag and possibly even a sticker. Large parts of this could have been avoided had their ground been prepared for both fans, and football in general at this level. The “pitch invasion” probably would have been avoided if there was more than bungee cord holding together some barriers.
But it was Hampshire that had the most candidates in this category. The Basingstoke youth element had obviously been brushing up on their Football Factory and Green Street knowledge as their Stone Island & Acne crew, including one lad wearing a Stone Island beanie in 20°C, did their best to cause an issue. The Basingstoke Bovver who ran the length of the ground to taunt us soon realised that yelping “I’m fifteen” wasn’t likely to deter a few people who were keen to teach him a life lesson – his removal into the arms of a waiting steward did him a sizable favour. Sholing’s answer to John Fury wanted to fight all comers, that is until he didn’t and went and sulked in the bar. Even his vest clad cousin couldn’t save the geezer’s embarrassment on this one.
But it was also from the Southampton area that our actual winner came – a mere eight miles down the road at Totton. No, it was not the Totton fans chanting “we love out peadophile” for reasons that remain unclear, nor was it their keeper in either game who made themselves look a touch stupid, more on the home game to come. The winner, and a clear one at that, was Totton’s Rogue Trader who made himself look wonderfully foolish twice in about 15 minutes. Clad in a paint splattered tracksuit with a tan that made him look like a recently creosoted fence, he decided that for reasons known only to him, he was going to have it out with the assembled Dorch fans. Honing in on the brothers Crane and strutting over like Vince McMahon, he was full of piss and vinegar as he confidently offered Charlie out, saying he’d fight him in the car park. When asked which car park, he had a malfunction at having his bluff called and stuttered to a halt, a steward saving him further embarrassment as he was ushered away. Much to the delight of the 50 odd Dorch fans behind the goal who were only too pleased to wave him off.
You’d think this would be the end of it, but, alas, no. Halftime rolled around and fancying round two, he decided Fin Crane was the target this time. Again, he was foiled due to having no minerals and being thick as mince, but this time he walked back to his table and threw his jacket off like some sort of brickie who has watched too much Ric Flair, before mercifully being escorted out by the two women from behind the bar. Hopefully, he sticks to what he’s good at, which I assume is ripping off pensioners for extensions he’ll never build.
TSOF Clubman of the year: Andy Rossiter.
A slightly left field selection, but it could be argued that no-one did more to help us finish the season as well as we did than Poole Town director, Andy Rossiter. From sacking Tommy Killick from the job he’d done so well at Poole for nigh on two decades, allowing Corby, JD and Will Spetch to leave the club immediately after TK, signing off on deals for us to take Fletch and Luke Pardoe, and not even resisting The Drummer moving to the correct part of the county, Andy has played his part in our best finish in the godforsaken league in years, and helped to build a potentially bright future. Cheers, Andy, this one is for you.
The Nathan Walker award for Shithouse of the season: Shaq Gwengwe.
Ah, Shaq. What a man. Alongside his 17 league goals this season, he has provided us with some fantastic moments of on field brilliance and actions so petty it’s easy to see why he’s loved by our fans and boils the piss of many supporters and players of the opposition. If it isn’t emptying keepers’ water bottles, a knowing wink to fans after winning a penalty off Tony Lee at Totton or numerous other fouls across the season, or giving it loads to the Poole fans at their place on the Bank Holiday, it was leapfrogging unsuspecting keepers after they’ve conceded from the penalty spot. Shaq’s leapfrog at Totton of their keeper, Tommy Reid, was wonderful in its pettiness after we made it 3-3. The grounded Reid didn’t take too kindly to this and gave us loads when Totton went 4-3 up. We then made it 4-4 shortly after, Shaq with the goal and Reid left to hear what the Dorch fans thought of him at fulltime. This ten-minute period nicely summed his reason for winning this category; supreme shithousing mixed with some serious footballing ability. More of the same next season, please!
Signing of the season: Will Spetch.
A player we knew was one of Tommy’s trusted lieutenants when he arrived, there were a few things we didn’t know about Spetchy that would soon become clear. Firstly, he can spend a lot of time suspended, secondly, he doesn’t mind an acca, and thirdly, that he would become just about our most important player in both boxes. The sort of defender that would gladly head a brick if he thought it would help, his presence, ability and particularly his head were vital in our major improvement in the second half of the season. A Corby corner and a Spetch header was frequent combination in attack as he scored some vital goals, and some colossal performances at the back, with wins at Didcot and Bracknell in particular standing out, made him a hugely important part of the side and a very worthwhile signing.
The Ali Dia one and done award: Tyrique Clarke.
Poor Tyrique Clarke. A loan signing from Weymouth is always a tough sell to Dorch fans, replacing Jordan Ngalo in the starting lineup is an even tougher task. Tyrique failed on both counts as he was anonymous, subbed shortly after halftime, and then never played for us again. Ali Dia made a legacy from his 45 minutes for Southampton many years ago, I doubt Tyrique will be long in many Dorch fans minds after his.
Unsung hero of the season: Ieuan Turner.
At first glance when he made the bench, Ieuan appeared a tall young lad just making up the numbers on the bench as we were short of options. When he was thrust in at the deep end away at Poole when Jack Wright went off injured inside the first ten minutes, it became clear he could play a bit. He and Jordi Foot were tasked with keeping Tony Lee quiet, something that no youngster would relish in any situation, and Ieuan did his job admirably. This was the first appearance of many with Ieuan playing a key role as he deputised firstly for an injured Ed James and helping us to a 2-1 win at Swindon, and when Spetchy starting his run of suspensions of varying lengths, he once again stepped in and barely put a foot wrong. He played so well that you didn’t really notice that the person he was replacing wasn’t there, which is a hell of an effort given how good James and Spetch were. Hopefully, he progresses in the same manner next season.
Performance of the season: 3-1 win at Bracknell.
Having had our little five game undefeated run ended abruptly at the hands of Gosport in February, our next game was a trip to playoff chasing Bracknell as we looked to try and get out of the drop zone. There weren’t many Dorch fans there that day, but those who were saw our best performance of the season as we effectively had the game won inside five minutes as we raced into a two-goal lead. Hastey slotted in the first goal after less than a minute, and when Shaq lobbed in the second, it wasn’t even five past three. Bracknell only really threatened from range, and when JD scored our third just after the break, it looked like we’d run riot. We didn’t get a fourth after more pressure and the late aerial bombardment was dealt with by Spetch and James – even a last-minute consolation couldn’t take away from a dominating performance that was the first on our 12-game unbeaten run.
Moment of the season: 2-1 home win v Tiverton and the injury time winner.
The aforementioned unbeaten run had seen us pull a good distance away from danger, but nagging doubts still remained in those of us who are more naturally pessimistic, so nearly all of us, that we could still get dragged back into the relegation zone. When relegation threatened Tivvy came to The Avenue on Bank Holiday Monday it was a huge game for them and a chance to close the gap to us with a win. When JD was sent off after five minutes it made our task very difficult, but Tivvy didn’t seem to know what to do with their numerical advantage. Shaq won a first half penalty that Olaf thundered in for a 1-0 halftime lead, but when Tivvy levelled with 20 odd minutes left, they became favourites. Despite this, the fans got right behind the players creating the sort of atmosphere we don’t usually do, including JD who had joined us behind the goal, it might have even been this day he ended up in the Vic with some of the Electric Avenue boys. We didn’t just hold on, and in injury time a misplaced Tivvy pass and some clever play from Fletch won a second penalty, got the perpetrator a red card, and with Olaf subbed off, Fletch himself took the kick. He duly scored and behind the goal went fucking mental with Phil Standfield getting some brilliant photos, including JD jumping on my back in the celebrations. It felt like the whole mood of the club had changed in the previous weeks; this confirmed it.
Next season?
Finishing the way we did with an improbable late playoff push does give me a rare sense of almost unheard of optimism for the coming season. The re-signing of seven players from last season, including the key quartet of JD, Spetch, Corby and Olaf, is a very good start and hopefully a few of last season’s standouts will follow suit. It’ll be a very tough league with some serious sides coming down from the Conference North and South, and other more competitive sides coming up from the level below. But we’ve a manager who has a proven track record of building very good sides at this level, and who players want to play for. If Tommy could attract players to play at a school field in Poole, he’ll be able to get them to come to Dorch. I’ think we’ll be in and around the playoff picture all season, and we could be a real force in the league. The feeling around the club is totally different to how it was back in January. It feels like a couple of seasons’ worth of progress were made inside a few months with results, quality in the squad and the atmosphere around the club being totally different. Well done to Glenn as well as Tommy – I can’t remember a time where there’s been any real optimism, let alone this sort of level around the club, since the Mark Morris days. The fact I’m even remotely positive given the past few years is staggering, so much so I’ll finish off here before Excelsior get an enquiry about an open top bus for next May. SV
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