“Dad, can I have my picture taken with Jurgen Klopp?” “Jurgen Klopp? That’s Brian Churchill.”

It wasn’t that long ago that the idea of going down the ground and watching Dorch would be something you’d feel more obligated to do rather than something you’d enjoy. Sure, it would be nice to see a few old faces and have some beers of varying quality, but the actual game itself would usually be somewhere between very average and fucking awful, with the occasional false dawn of three points every now and then just to keep us interested. Well, those days seem a distant memory now as home games are fast becoming the week’s highlight, wins expected, crowds on the up, and there’s even  a decent pint available now thanks to the Copper Street Brewery. As long as it isn’t sold out before we arrive.

This is what will be the first actual completed blog of the season after I got two thirds of the way through the Tivvy write up, only to get side-tracked and start a new job that saw me working office hours for the first time in nearly 18 years and left me with less time to write nonsense like this. That new job didn’t exactly turn out to be what I’d hoped, so I handed in my notice and left after a length of time in post that would make Liz Truss wince, and now I’m back writing freely about non-league football. Maybe this is my true calling.

Our start to the season has been a very good one on the whole, with us being roughly where we’d have hoped to be at this stage. The start was slower than a few would have liked, but this doesn’t make it a bad start as, trust me, we’ve had some fucking shockers over the past few seasons. Draws at Tivvy and Winchester and a very lacklustre defeat at Basingstoke will have worried some, wins augainst Gloucester, a convincing 4-0 success over Frome, and a bar-setting performance in the 3-2 victory over Totton last week make the table look a whole lot better as we were nestled just outside the playoffs at this early stage.

Having not long moved back to Dorch, Saturday’s home game against Chertsey was ideally timed as Friday had been the last day at my new old job, and all our stuff from the London flat had been delivered to the new place that afternoon. So after a Friday evening and Saturday morning of unboxing and shifting stuff around, the idea of a few beers and some football was a very attractive one. Meeting JW around lunchtime we had planned to head to the Convivial Rabbit, but they were closed until 1400 for the regional equivalent of the NATO summit that is the West Dorset CAMRA AGM, so it was straight to Copper Street to see what was on the menu. I owed JW a beer anyway as he gave me a bedframe that he no longer needed for my new Dorchester abode. He didn’t want any money for it, but has accepted some sort of payment in four Corinthian football figures, and a book entitled ‘Bullshit Baffles Brains’, an account of the Dorset Regiment in Hong Kong from 1952-54. He drives a hard bargain.

As we arrived at Copper Street, we were pleased to see there were no AGMs, and soon established that the pint of ‘Blonde Star’, or at least I think it was called that, was bloody good. The general gist of the conversation was how watching Dorch now is like watching a different club compared to some recent seasons, and that expectations of another three points and another 600 plus crowd would have seemed absolutely mental not that long ago, but that’s exactly what we expected later on. A second pint was called for so we indulged in a nice APA – despite JW initially being unsure what it stood for, he correctly guessed at American Pale Ale, and not, as I had suggested, the Acolyte Protection Agency. Having had our two pints with no sign of a clothes line from hell, we made towards Fortress Avenue for the main event and despite knowing what to expect, seeing a queue at both the turnstile and the bar is taking as much getting used to as winning games. We’re just not accustomed to it. One other question arose and that is why did we have a separate shed and turnstile built when there are several turnstiles that were built into the stand? Answers on a postcard.

We got in just as the teams were announced and we made only one change from the Totton victory as Harry Hutchinson came in for the unwell Ollie Haste. Wes Fogden made a welcome return to the squad as he was on the bench, and the ground looked to have a good few in already with the Bovril having many of the usual faces already taking up residence with pints in hand. The bar was busy and I soon bumped into Simon Joslin who was there with his son. Simon’s son, Greg, was both excited and surprised to see Jurgen Klopp in the ground and eagerly asked his Dad if he could go and get a photo with him. Shockingly, it wasn’t Klopp, but Brian Churchill. You could say he’s a Kloppelganger for him. I’ll get my coat. It is unknown if Simon burst Greg’s bubble on this one or not, but given his time working in HMPS, I’m sure Churchy has been called far worse.  There wasn’t quite as many fans in as the Frome game, but busy enough that a barrel of ale had already gone. With the Rabbit having been closed and the ale at the club gone, we feared these might be bad omens. We needn’t have worried.

We were back to kicking towards the Tesco end after Totton had turned us around at the toss last weekend, and it was good to see a few of the usual faces. Ash Jury was free of his young dynasty for the afternoon, Luke Richards had come either straight from the window of the Next sale, or possibly having got a not guilty at the local magistrates’ court as he was clad in a suit, Craner had come with a green tinged Guy Fawkes mask, and to boot, it looked like Jason Hillier was in goal for Chertsey.

There wasn’t much to report from the first ten minutes as neither side really offered much, but Chertsey’s number 11 looked a handful and was giving Hutch some real problems, even if there was no end product. There were a couple of half chances at both ends, with shots either being blocked or going harmlessly wide, and set pieces were coming to nothing as neither side really looked like creating a real chance, let alone scoring. Chertsey’s number 11 looked the most lively attacking threat from either side, and after he’d drawn Hutch into making a foul that resulted in a yellow that was on the softer side of cautionable offences, Tommy shuffled the deck a bit.

JD moved to left back, Hutch pushed further forward on that side, and Luke Pardoe dropped on the right hand side with Wayne Robinson in front of him. Their number 11 promptly skinned JD and we all looked a touch nervous. We didn’t need to be as it was only a matter of minutes later and we were in front from the penalty spot. Shaq found space in the right side of the box, and as he tried to go on the outside, the Chertsey centre half and, as JW informed us, former Love Island contestant Ruben Collins, seemed to lose his balance and catch Shaq’s trailing leg with the referee pointing to the spot.

Now, this seemed to cause a real split of opinions as it looked a penalty to me in real-time, no malice, just clumsy. Others said it was never a pen and that Shaq knew exactly what he was doing, those on the Bovril said it was soft, but from the Bovril, they might as well be offering opinions on LBWs on the Rec given how fast it happened and how the clip wasn’t hugely obvious. If it was an LBW on the Rec and the twos were playing, it was almost certainly a short one that didn’t bounce and stuffed the batter bang in front of all three stumps. One giveaway that it was a penalty was the total lack of any complaints from the guilty party or his nearby teammates. Only a member of the Chertsey bench seemed that arsed and soon got a yellow for his troubles, and he might have been complaining about the LBW shout from the Broadstone game a few weeks back.

Olaf duly took and scored his third penalty of the season and what was at that point his sixth goal overall, and any worries about a slow start were erased. It could have been two ten minutes later as a Corby corner was met by a combination of what looked like Olaf’s ear and shoulder as he funnelled a close range effort onto the face of the bar, but the second goal wasn’t far off as Olaf did make it seven for the season with 42 minutes on the clock.

A Dorch throw in looked to be flicked on by a Chertsey head and that set Olaf away down the left as he got in front of Collins. Olaf got to the byline, cut back in and casually rolled the ball past Jasper and into the far corner. It all looked very easy and poor old Ruben looked like a man who’d rather be anywhere else. He’ll feature again later; I’ll try and have some sort of Love Island play on words for that. But 2-0 it was and as we headed to the bar for a halftime livener, this all felt very familiar as we get used to what now are starting to become routine good performances.

The second half started much like the first had finished with us looking the better side, although a warning shot was fired as Chertsey forced Gerard Benfield into his first meaningful save, reminding us that there were still two teams competing. It was loud behind the goal at the Bypass End and we were soon given something else to shout about as we made it 3-0. Chertsey completely switched off from a throw in that allowed Pardoe and Robinson to have an exchange of passes, and Robinson’s brilliant ball in was steered into the far corner by Shaq, who is sponsored by TSOF this season, for a deserved goal for both he and the side.

Shaq celebrated as you’d expect him to, and that was by putting on the green tinged Guy Fawkes mask that Craner brought with him, and the replacement item for the long lost goggles of last season was revealed. Quite why Craner has one at all is a mystery. Is he a fan of the Gunpower Plot? Maybe he really likes ’V for Vendetta’, or maybe we’ve all misread him and he’s an active player within Anonymous and is very much opposed to the Church of Scientology. I’m going with the latter.

It was now all us and the introduction of Kyran Samadi did nothing to lessen the load on the opposition’s defence as he looked an utter menace running at an already tired defence. That defence was then made to work even harder as the luckless Collins received a straight red as he hauled down Robinson in almost identical circumstances as to how Frome had a man sent off the other week. Robinson got the wrong side of Collins and would have been through had he not been hauled back, the ref having no hesitation in agreeing with the fans that it was red card worthy as Collins trudged off. This is not the first time Collins has been excluded by popular opinion after his departure from Love Island in the #CoupleOfSorts challenges had seen him misread public opinion. I will now delete my browser history as I really have no idea about Love Island and have really no idea if that makes any sense. I’ve always been more of a Midsomer Murders type of man.

Faced with seeing out the best part of 20 minutes with ten men, Chertsey could have folded but instead of that they went and almost immediately scored what was possibly the goal of the game as they broke from a Dorch attack with William Montague netting an excellent first time finish past a helpless Benfield. This didn’t act as the catalyst for an unlikely comeback as despite Montague’s best efforts, Chertsey were often seen melancholy near the sycamores on the railway side, and if you get that reference, then fair fucking play. Wes Fogden was lively in his fifteen minutes at the end, but there were to be no more goals as another 600+ crowd say another three points – the noise and the celebrations at the end becoming a welcome habit. Even when we were on good runs of form in the Conference South, our crowds rarely seemed to nudge past 450, now there are numbers and noise on a regular basis that I’ve really never seen for anything other than the odd derby or cup game. Long may that and the positive results continue.

Spetchy donned the Guy Fawkes mask for a photo, club crest stickers had been given to the kids there who proudly wore them on both tops and faces, players were being asked for selfies, and rather obscurely, Olaf appeared to be signing trainers which caused such a build-up of people on the Bovril that I almost died of thirst trying to get to the bar. What Olaf will be signing next is anyone’s guess; Chris Eubank Jnr once signed a microwave for a fan, so don’t be surprised if Olaf ends up signing a toaster or kettle after the Hanwell home game next month.

The bar was busy after and the walls are looking good as they’re now adorned with some DTFC photos and memorabilia of old. Title winning team photos, programme montages going back through the decades, and some wonderful old shirts have made the place feel a lot more like a football club bar than a generic venue for hire – well done to Richard Bayley for his efforts of putting the displays together and bringing some of the club’s rich history back to life. A good few were certainly happy to put some money behind the bar, and after a natter with Dodge and a few of the other regulars, JW and I headed for one final beer at Copper Street, along with the DTFC steward’s hi vis we found on the floor by Halfords. How it got there we don’t know, and Dabbs will soon be launching a full and wide ranging enquiry to establish this. After this it was back home and time to sit and do nothing after another seemingly routine home win.

It was a good result with several good performances all over the pitch. Gerard Benfield in goal is a very calming presence and his handling has been exceptional in the games I’ve seen, and Noah Crisp has looked more than competent in the games he has played. After the early tactical tweak, the defence was very settled; the midfield is as strong as I can remember it being in a very long time, especially when you consider Jordan Ngalo was suspended and Wes Fodgen started on the bench. Corby Moore and Matt Buse were both good on Saturday and the depth of the squad really shows when you look at the options we have there. Wide areas are threatening with Luke Pardoe enjoying a good season, and Hutch overcame his tough start to look dangerous in a more advanced role as the game went on. And the frontline is really starting to fire now with 10 goals in the last three games. Olaf has seven for the season already, Shaq and Wayne Robinson have two each, and both of the latter have provided at least a couple of assists as well. It’s a strong bench and squad overall with options that can help us overcome any injury or suspension – credit to Tommy and the backroom team for assembling a squad that can really do some damage and getting them playing well, even if they do make poor Dodge sit in a chair he nicked from the bar as there is no room in the dugout.

With no game this weekend due to our inability to win any FA cup games, our next fixture is another trip to Tivvy in the Trophy next Saturday, giving us a chance to progress, earn a few quid, and do what we probably should have done a few weeks ago and win there. It sounds like they have had some work done on their pitch recently which is much needed, it was in really poor condition when we went recently but we could play them on a riverbank or a beach, as long as we win I’m really not that arsed.

It’s a good time to be a Dorch fan, so should you wish to own some novelty TSOF merchandise, you can do so at;  

https://www.redbubble.com/people/thesameoldfew/explore?page=1&sortOrder=recent

All manner of novelty t-shirt designs available, and there may be another calendar coming this year after the reasonable success of the one last year. Will it be as big a success as the calendar from many years ago? Tough to say, but with poses and models like the ones below, it’s a high bar to try and achieve. Up the Magpies, I’m off to Argos to get a slow cooker for Olaf to sign. SV

 

2 responses to ““Dad, can I have my picture taken with Jurgen Klopp?” “Jurgen Klopp? That’s Brian Churchill.””

  1. Ieuan Avatar
    Ieuan

    class 👌🏼

  2. Ieuan Avatar
    Ieuan

    class 👌🏼

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