Somewhere, there is a parallel universe that sees Dorch having another really good season. Following a convincing 3-0 home win over Walton that set the tone, we sit comfortably in the playoff picture with a rock solid defence, a potent attack, Tom Smith’s Dosed Coffee is available at the snack bar, and the Gorge never caught fire. However, the universe we currently inhabit ain’t that fucking one, as our injury time capitulation against Walton set the tone for an utterly abysmal season that has been consistent in only one sense, that being that it has been consistently shit. The defence has been porous, the goals have dried up, it’s still instant coffee in the snack bar, and the Gorge remains a pile of charred rubble with no sign of their previously indestructible crockery.
But, despite all that has gone before it, Saturday’s 4-3 win over Havant at last gave us something to cheer about as we claimed our first three points of the year in a game high on entertainment, and with at times varying levels of quality. How we follow it up on Saturday in a huge game against a Hanwell side that sit only four points above us will be the key, but we’ll worry about that later in the week.
Saturday’s win came not only as a surprise based on our form, but also the fact that it was witnessed by Kinners, one of my best friends, who had not seen us win since 2008. Ryan Moss scored the deciding goal the last time he saw a Magpies win, a 1-0 triumph over Bognor Regis on December 9th 2008, the same night that saw the ‘twelve Magpies of Christmas’ get its first airing, five Patrice Libuuuurd and all. Since then he’s been a regular spectator having moved away, but he’s not even sure if he’s seen us get a point in the 20+ games he has watched. He’s definitely seen some notable lows including a last minute derby defeat to Weymouth, the absolute shocker that was a 5-0 loss at Hayes & Yeading in the season we were only reprieved from relegation by a global pandemic, and a 4-1 loss at Harrow Borough which saw defender Callum Rose finish the game in goal as former DTFC loanee and future rapist, Alhaji Sessay, got a straight red for chinning a Harrow player during a break in play, to name but a few.
Kinners’ dry January ended ten minutes or so after we met up with a Harvey’s porter being consumed, and this seemed a wise choice given watching us sober hasn’t been much fun. We added our second beverage of the afternoon at Copper Street where I had the task of explaining how the season had gone. Badly, was the short answer. During last season, every game felt like an event and missing out on any game felt like a disaster. This season has been more of a return to the football getting in the way of a good day, and I was almost relieved when away games at Chertsey and Tiverton were called off as despite having travelled to both, the other half and I had made a weekend of it. A nice uninterrupted weekend in Sidmouth visiting the donkey sanctuary (insert your own jokes about watching donkeys had the game been on, or how Tivvy’s pitch is worse than the donkey paddocks here) was had on one occasion, and a delightful trip to Windsor came in place of God knows what I’d have seen at Chertsey.
Even the disastrous 4-1 loss at Evesham didn’t get in the way of a nice weekend as we stayed in Stratford-upon-Avon and were able to forget the football pretty quickly. That game came at the same time as England’s disastrous Ashes campaign, which I watched far too much of, so it was a banner few weeks for my sporting teams. The 4-1 away defeat showed how far a previously successful management team can fall by underestimating opposition, failing to prepare properly, relying too heavily on things that have worked previously, and failing to change and adapt when necessary both tactically and in terms of selection. And the Ashes were fucking crap as well.
As we finished our pints of the delightful Wessex IPA, we headed off to the Avenue and had our first glance at the team, and although there were only two changes, one was particularly of note. Hastey missed out through what I assume was injury with Marcel McIntosh replacing him, and Spetchy dropped to the bench in place of the debuting Jay Williams, a defender signed on loan from Reading. The return to a more disciplined 4-4-2 in the reverse fixture at Havant seemed to give us a lot more stability, for a part of the game at least, and that alongside Spetch dropping to the bench is the first real sign of any adjustment to our usually quite rigid tactics. We’ve played a back three for most of the season, with few exceptions, but that formation was seemingly only enjoyed by the opposition and no one else. If we’re to get out of this mess, a back to basics approach seems to be a good starting point. There was also the welcome sight of Marcus Daws returning on the bench alongside Wayne Robinson, and it seemed a strong squad.
Kinners and I acquired pints, saw we’d been turned around at the toss so would be kicking towards the Bypass End, and took up residence behind the goal just in time to see any pre-match optimism evaporate inside three minutes as we fell a goal behind. You don’t want to concede any goal. You especially do not want to concede this type of ‘Own Goals and Gaffs’ esq stunner. Having seemingly done the hard part by catching a weak Havant header, in trying to start a quick counter attack, Gez booted the ball squarely into the back of the retreating Havant player. Having realised no free-kick was forthcoming, Gez hastily retreated back towards his goal in time for him to parry a fairly innocuous looking effort into the path of a Havant attacker, who duly accepted this gift to put the visitors 1-0 up.
After such an awful start many of us feared the worst, but we actually seemed to find a foothold in the game and looked threatening from the wide areas with Underhill and Pardoe having some success. Parker and Crosbie up top look a difficult pair to defend against with Crosbie’s physicality and Parker’s pace giving defenders very little peace. That said, Havant did find a way to get a few moments rest as Crosbie must have been caught by a stray arm or boot as he had to get several minutes treatment and a new shirt for a busted nose. He returned to the pitch after being patched up with two tampons up his nostrils and a bandage over his hooter, and within moments of being on the pitch, he’d scored the equaliser. Brilliant work from Pards down the left saw him beat his man and put a low cross in, with Crosbie applying a very deft finish for what was his third goal in five games.
That goal made for a more open game as we looked lively in open play, and whilst Havant always carry a serious goal threat with Ryan Seager on the pitch, their set pieces were causing issues with balls into the six yard box making everyone nervous. Half chances came and went with Pards having an effort cleared off the line and Havant having efforts blocked, but as we entered injury time it looked as though we’d go in level at the break. Wrong. A well weighted ball over the top was taken down by Seager who had no difficulty slotting past Benfield. It was all too easy as although the ball was good and the finish even better, it was still a lofted ball over the top. 2-1 at halftime and it all felt far too familiar.
How we started the second half would be key, and although we were bright, there were no chances of note at either end. Luke Roberts and Marcus Daws were introduced in place of Underhill and JD on the hour mark, and a handful of minutes later we were given an excellent opportunity to level the scores as we were awarded a penalty. An attack down the right seemed to have broken down, but a slack Havant pass was seized upon by an alert McIntosh who got the ball ahead of the defender and was tripped for his troubles. There were no doubts about the award, and Corby had no trouble in converting as his spot kick went high to the keeper’s left and into the net. 2-2 and it was game on.
From this point onwards, the game was very open, bloody entertaining, and included moments of quality that I’d describe as variable. Wayne came on for a bloodied Crosbie, who by this point resembled a boxer more than a footballer with a nose that he can’t have been able to use to breathe as nature intended, and Pards almost put us 3-2 up as he saw his strike hit the post. But the go-ahead goal was not long in coming as Corby’s corners once again started to pay dividends. Now, this was a goal that was credited to Wayne, but from our vantage point behind the goal, it looked as though the Havant keeper mistimed his punch and the ball spun off his hand and into the net. Having not seen a keeper punch a corner into their own net since I did the same thing in a DPL game in 2012, I’ve seen it twice in two home games as Gez and now Lorenz Ferdinand have done the same, and at the same end of the ground. I’m sure Ferdinand won’t want to claim it as his own though, so Wayne is welcome to it.
Back came Havant as they had a penalty claim turned down and struck the frame of the goal, and both Parker and Wayne came close to adding a fourth goal as the game flew from end to end. Harvey Wright and Jay Williams defended their box brilliantly as Havant searched for an equaliser, but when the sixth goal of the afternoon eventually came with four minutes to go, it was a game clinching fourth for Dorch. Another Moore corner was hung up, and Wright did brilliantly to lose his man and plant his header back across goal and in for his first Dorch goal. It was a much deserved goal for a player who hasn’t enjoyed the season he’d have wanted since signing, but he was very good on Saturday and hopefully this is the start of a run of form for both him and the side.
As is often the case, we couldn’t help but make things difficult for ourselves with Havant scoring their third two minutes later. But we saw off the five added minutes with no major issues, even coming close to a fifth as Parker’s effort hit the top of the bar, and the full-time whistle was celebrated in the manner in which a club who hasn’t won a lot would celebrate. It had been a long time coming since our last home win, not least for Kinners who saw his first Dorch win in 6,255 days. Hopefully his next win comes a touch sooner. Maybe it was having Wes Fogden back at the club that was the good luck charm given he was involved in the 2008 win – if that is the case he’ll have to hang around a bit longer, although hopefully not 6,255 days for his sanity if nothing more.
We enjoyed our celebratory pints in the bar, and Slader was delighted to find out we’d won as he initially thought we’d drawn 3-3. Having gone for a piss and missed our fourth goal, he did wonder why everyone seemed so happy with a draw, only to find out we’d actually won, much to his surprise and joy. “I know we’ve been shit recently but it seemed a bit much to celebrate a draw like that”. It reminded me of how Snoz Briant had to be told we’d actually drawn 0-0 at Oxford after the game as he’d not seen the offside flag that ruled out Mossy’s goal.
After a brief chat with a few of the players and Havant’s half volley specialist/Tropicana enthusiast, AWH, we trotted into town to have a few more pints and to celebrate a win which neither of us thought we’d see. Harv was awarded the sponsors’ man of the match, and there was no argument with that. It was between either Harv or Corby for me, as both were excellent and hopefully we can carry this into the Hanwell game. That game on Saturday is massive given how just about everyone else around us won, with our win doing little more than keeping us in touch with those around us. Hanwell is then followed by Yate away (if Yate isn’t lower than Atlantis by that time) which is another big game against a side we will be looking to claw back into the relegation scrap. But given the number of points we have on the road is less than the number that would see you banned from driving in this country, it’ll be a big ask.
There was a lot to like on Saturday as we finally seem to be a lot more settled formation and position wise, with no square pegs in round holes, and have more discipline and mobility than we’ve had previously with a back three. Going forward we looked excellent and looked like scoring at every opportunity second half, but there are still major areas of concern. We look at sixes and seven when defending set pieces, and although the quality of football is vastly improved, we still look a bit vulnerable against physical sides. There is real promise in the defensive pairing of Wright and Williams, and McIntosh looks very capable, but JD still seems to be struggling with his knee, and we won’t win many games when conceding three. A very dull and professional win Saturday would make me feel a lot better about our chances of staying up, performances with a bit more polish preferable but not essential.
The league table is still very bleak to look at, but two games can change all that. We will have games in hand soon, but they’ll mean nothing if we don’t win them, and midweek trips to Tivvy, Chertsey and Farnham will be tough trips for anyone. Saturday’s win will mean the sum total of fuck all if we don’t follow it up, and if Tommy is to stay in post, there is a fair bit of work to be done still. Opinions on where we need to strengthen are poles apart in some aspects, but I’d expect some player movement in the coming weeks. It’s not exactly trusting the arsonist to put out the fire, but anything less than a drastically improved run of form will surely have his position under serious question, and potentially leave us with a fucking gurt flag with his face on that we’d probably struggle to find a buyer for.
That said, Saturday was a bloody good day, here’s hoping it kick-starts a far better end to the season than what we’ve seen so far, and hopefully Kinners doesn’t have to wait until he’s 55 to see his next Dorch win. SV.