“I had a fucking horrible date on ‘Plenty Of Fish’ once.”

In last week’s blog I mentioned how even a blind squirrel can find a nut occasionally. It turns out that last week’s win was that rare nut find and we sadly reverted to what has been the norm this week as we fumbled about in the dark to produce one of the worst performances and results of recent memory, which is a fucking achievement in itself, as we gifted a Merthyr side who had started the day bottom what was only their third win of the season.

This is not to say that Merthyr didn’t deserve to win or were lucky. They were the better side for large parts of the game and were worthy winners. But for us it was a score line and a performance from both individuals and as a team that highlight some of the major issues that we face as we still find ourselves in the relegation zone.

As a day it had all started so well. Superstition playing no small part in the routine as myself and El Generale had once again put the world to rights as we conquered the rough terrain of the Dorchester Parkrun. Improving on last week’s time by a 70 second margin, the omens seemed good, even though we did finish well behind a bloke who was pushing a pram and someone’s pet dog. Steve had been at Dean Court last week so I was able to furnish him with the details of our win over Swindon and tell him just how pleasantly surprised I was with the result and the performance. Alfie looking dangerous and, in the goals, Yemi’s nous, Wadham and Lowes doing all the hard yards and simple things in the middle of the field, all the plus points and we spoke of how a win against Merthyr would see us out of the relegation places. “If we lose today after last week’s performance, it’ll be a fucking disaster”, I mused, as Freddy Foreshadowing made an unwelcome appearance…

Post shower and it was off into town as Steve and I refuelled from our run with a breakfast at the same table 35 of Spoons that had housed JW and I last week. The logic of doing something again that would be totally irrelevant to the result of the football was going well. It was at this point in the day where things took a turn for the worse as Steve got a bottle of Brecon Carreg mineral water to accompany his food. Welsh bottled water on a day where we’re playing a Welsh side? I didn’t like it but all of us who have seen Steve on a drinking day know he carries a water bottle in case of emergencies. Steve is also the sort of savage who has mayonnaise on his fry up. He had burned nearly 1,000 calories that morning through his Reluco class and the Parkrun. Steve’s Saturday was about working out and drinking beer. And he was done exercising.

We proceeded to the Convivial Rabbit for the first pint of the day and we were joined by Luke From The Board and JW as discussions became more DTFC based. Talk of minibus trips past and memories of Kingstonian away in the FA Trophy where we celebrated a Neil Martin goal massively, before being rudely interrupted by an equaliser a matter of seconds later. Impromptu piss stops on the hard shoulder, and future DTFC number 1, Dan Floyd, puking out of the window of a moving minibus into the poor traffic behind us.

Goldies was the next and final pre-match port of call to watch the early kickoff between Leicester and Leeds. TC joined us with his two bags of supplies for Ukraine to help the appeal for donations that the club was running on the gate that day.

SV; “You get them yourself mush or you had a clear out at home?”

TC; “Nah mate, some old dear I did some work for said about them so I said I’d take ’em down.”

Of the multiple things the club has struggled with, the collections for Ukraine, Julia’s House, and the Remembrance Day have not been issues and have been very well done. Discussion on geopolitical issues and current affairs is always going to come up and I usually try and abstain, so mercifully the chat in Goldies regarding this with the surrounding think tank was relatively short before the intricacies of NATO and hyperinflation were delved into. Luke had to paws his plans as he headed off midway through the first half, leaving JW to swoop on the remnant of his pint which was the perfect half to refill his own jar. Somehow online dating cropped up with Steve revealing; “I had a fucking horrible date on ‘Plenty Of Fish’ once. She was a Liverpool fan and all she did was fucking swear.” We had no idea what to do with this information. After seeing Leeds lose in a manner many neutrals will have enjoyed, it was taxis to the ground and from there, it all went downhill.

Having got into the bar and seen it pleasingly busy in contrast to last week, the team news showed three changes, one enforced, two seemingly tactical. The saying of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ sprang to mind. And given we’d ended a long winless streak, three changes felt like a lot, especially given we’ve been prone to changing personnel pretty frequently week to week. Ash Wells was missing with concussion and he was replaced in the centre of defence by the returning Tom Soares, so not like for like but understandable, although Harvey-Joe Bertrand could feel aggrieved to miss out having played well in that position when he replaced Wells in the second half vs Swindon. New signing, Michael Green, came straight in at left back for George Calverley. Calverley has done nothing wrong, but given Green’s experience and quality, his inclusion seemed logical. Christ knows what he made of it all come 1700 on Saturday…

The final change was Charlie Gunson coming in for Jack Wadham, and this was the one to us which seemed the harshest. Wadham had been excellent on debut vs Swindon and can feel very aggrieved at losing his place in the side. Like most on the terraces, I have not got a fucking clue about the fitness of individuals or what game plans were devised. I do however have fucking good hindsight, and unless there was a fitness worry or a niggle picked up training or playing for his parent club’s youth side at AFCB, most of us assembled in the bar felt he was unlucky not to be playing.

We assumed our usual residence on the Bovril as we attacked the bypass end, and we didn’t start that badly at all. After JW annihilated some chips and gravy and I secured the last of the Bovril from the snack bar, a couple of early set pieces from wide areas that were put into the wind and right under the crossbar caused the Merthyr goalkeeper to have some uncomfortable moments. As that early pressure came to nothing but panic, we soon had two excellent chances in the space of a matter of seconds. Yemi latched onto a ball over the top and managed to get the bouncing ball past the onrushing ‘keeper, Cogman, as he charged out of his box. The ball wouldn’t quite come down for Yemi as he wanted, but his lofted effort combined with the wind to baffle the retreating defender, who clattered into the post and actually moved the goal, as the ball hit the bar. Alfie followed up and some very good defending saw his effort blocked as the chance came to nothing.

Then followed some controversy. Yemi got the wrong side of Merthyr’s Ismail Yakubu (a Championship Manager cult hero to many in a DT postcode) and was duly hauled down by Yakubu outside the box. The question for the officials was how close was the covering defender and was this a clear goal scoring opportunity. From our view side on it looked as though the covering defender was well placed and would have got to Yemi/the ball, and although this may have been a goal scoring opportunity for Yemi in 2007, it probably wasn’t in 2022. That said, the view from the main stand camera could prove me totally wrong and it may have been a lucky escape for the Merthyr man as he was shown a yellow card, much to the chagrin of Glenn and the Dorch bench. Yemi had an effort ruled out for offside shortly after and a goal was needed to make this pressure count as the general consensus was we couldn’t afford to go behind here. Freddy Foreshadowing popped his head up again. Moments later we would fall behind.

There was a touch of bad luck about the goal as 25 minutes in a bouncing ball took a fortunate deflection, and as their striker was through on goal he was stopped by a foul from Tom Soares. Yellow card, penalty duly converted, 1-0 down and a very odd feeling of deja vu. We huffed and puffed a bit but seemed ragged following the goal, Michael Green’s arrow-like long throw caused some nervy defending and a free kick was headed out from under his own crossbar by an alert Merthyr defender, but 1-0 to the visitors it was at half time and the mood was pretty bleak in the bar. So bleak in fact that there was no rush from many to finish their pints and head out early for the second half. Given I wasn’t drinking, I headed out to the sun of the Tesco end and joined my old HMP Dorchester colleague, Paul Buddin, and his young brood as we spoke of our days cheating a living when working on the gate at DRBM.

Our chat was rudely interrupted soon after the resumption of play by Merthyr’s second goal, and some hit it was too. Looking straight on from the far end, we didn’t have the best of views in terms of range or angles. But a freekick in the region of 30-35 yards out in a reasonably central position was smashed into the top corner with Jack Bycroft in goal either well beaten or possibly misjudging the trajectory as the ball flew into the net. If this was a stunner that two keepers wouldn’t have got near, then my apologies to Jack. With the news of the second goal filtering through, those who were still in the bar chose to remain there. In hindsight, a wise move.

Changes soon followed as McGrath and Lowes made way for Bertrand and Wadham as we tried to salvage something from the game. After my praise for Billy’s performance last week and saying I hoped this is the start of a run of good form for him and the club, I was reminded of the saying that one swallow does not make a summer. The mood around the ground was that of a bleak midwinter’s day as Merthyr added a deserved third. An excellent finish into the top corner following a good move down their left-hand side was the final nail in the coffin as the mood became even more depressing. 3-0 down at home to bottom of the league who hadn’t won since October was every bit as soul destroying as it sounds, although I will say I’m not a fan of some of the abuse directed at individual players by our own fans. Either way, it was turning into one of the worst results and performances in recent seasons in what is a very crowded field.

We did claw one back as a quick break saw Oakley played in down the right and his unselfish ball across goal was turned in by Olaf for his first goal of his second spell at the club. In truth though, we never at any stage looked like getting anything once we fell behind. Alfie forced a good diving save from the ‘keeper but aside from that and some wasted balls into the box, it was fruitless possession as Merthyr comfortably saw out the remaining minutes for a long awaited and morale boosting win for a fan base and team that has had a rough few seasons. The result will likely not be enough to save their season, but their fans were gracious in victory and they have moved off the foot of the table. We’ve always got on well with Merthyr since a chance meeting with their fans when their game at Fleet was rained off a few seasons ago, and they joined us on the terraces at Farnborough as it happened to be nearby. All the best to them for the rest of the season.

The atmosphere at the end was somewhere between bewilderment and anger. Some fans vented their frustration at individuals, with Yemi having to ask for calm at one point, as the players bore the brunt of their ire, but there was also a sense of bemusement as to how we’ve gone from an almost complete team performance last weekend where no one would have got less than a seven out of ten in the ratings, to an utter shambles where you’d be hard pushed to award anyone a five. The other key game in the relegation battle saw Hartley Wintney beat Kings Langley, and Tivvy, who were looking like getting pulled into the dogfight, beat Yate to pull themselves clear. The picture at the bottom is not good with us the worst of the third bottom placed teams in the sole relegation place from the four leagues. Suffice to say our next game away at Kings Langley is massive. Win and we leapfrog them out of the relegation places, lose and the gap to safety stretches to four points with our PPG average still having us as the side destined for relegation. There was talk of a minibus going from Dorch to that game, I wonder having seen Saturday’s performance how many will still fancy it.

So, what needs to change (other than results) and where do we go from here? There were calls from some for Glenn to go and for Brian Churchill to take over until the end of the season. That gets a hard no from me. Although Glenn’s record is, put lightly, pretty poor (I think 16 points from an available 60), I don’t see where another change gets us. Who comes in and does better with what we’ve got? Anyone with something to play for at the top end of the table in any league is hardly likely to jump ship at this stage of the season, and at some point, we have to try and break this cycle of annual changes. We seem to have been stuck in the same season for about five years with the only constants being shit results and Billy Lowes (that is not saying the two are directly linked…). There are always comments on the Echo website saying the board are at fault and we need to return to the “old board”. Which old board? The one that nearly saw the club go bust? The one that has overseen some of the malaise of the last few years? Eddie Mitchell and his plan to build flats here and the ill-fated move to full-time football? Peter Aiken and Eddie Belt probably oversaw some of the best recent times but they are sadly no longer with us, so which old board are these fans calling for? Probably the board who allowed them free entry and they hold a grudge against the current one for making them pay on the gate like the rest of us.

Over the past few seasons, nearly everything has changed at the club bar results and the quality of the beer, both less than satisfactory. The pitch, the management, the players, the board, they’ve all changed. The Luth grew sideburns and we even got rid of the WFC Snack Bar. A managerial change starts the cycle again. There is quality in some areas of this squad but it’s Glenn’s job to try and get it to show with regularity and not bi-monthly. His record at other clubs shows he can get results, at this and indeed a lower level. We need to stay up by any means necessary and allow him to gut the squad of the deadwood he doesn’t want. For me, he has to be manager going into next season, not rinse and repeat with a new manager, regardless of what league we’re in. I very much doubt that all of the small readership of this blog will be in agreement with me on this, that’s just my thoughts. Other suggestions welcome on a postcard.

Watching that sober was a chastising experience, so I filled in some of the blanks to those who had wisely stayed in the bar before I headed home for some food and to watch to some telly to try and erase the day’s football from my mind. The WhatsApp group was full of the joys of spring including one bizarre discussion regarding how Dulwich grew their fanbase which provided a perfect metaphor for the day; not enjoyed by anyone, illogical, and a waste of time for all involved. Those hardy souls who did remain out after eventually leaving the bar had tales of scraps in town, log burners and £15 of chicken, and Steve was last seen in Hardy’s nursing what I hope was a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc. After burning somewhere in the region of 1,000 calories in the morning, Steve had adequately refuelled by closing time.

It was a pretty dark day on the pitch as we fell deeper into the mire, but that won’t stop me being at Kings Langley in a fortnights time, or probably Farnborough the following Tuesday. A few Herts based Dorch exiles will be present at Kings and I’ll be sure to warn them of what to expect. Charlie The Dog has been somewhat of a lucky omen at the ground previously, hopefully he’s in attendance again as I can’t be arsed finding a local Parkrun. SV